No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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