You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize