summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
