Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize