There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
