I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
