Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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