I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
