why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Is it because I queefed?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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