not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
