id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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