i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize