Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize