I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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