Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
