Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
