Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
