I need help removing her.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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