i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
