I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
