This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
