you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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