I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
