Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
