I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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