omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
