When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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