How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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