I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
