oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
