I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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