He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
