her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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