He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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