Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
