What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
