My cat gives me a boner
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
