I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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