Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
