Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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