I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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