I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I need a beard to bite.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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