Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
