Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
