my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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