she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
