chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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