When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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