Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
