i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
