I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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