I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
