Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize