I think my fart just growled at me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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