dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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