i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
