I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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