I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
