There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
